Is She a Witch?

Posted: September 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

Exercise Girls - Is She a WitchWho really wants to exercise? If you say you enjoy it most people look at you sideways. And those who are serious about it always manage to work it into the conversation.

Over the years I’ve purchased my share of exercise equipment from various infomercials and store ads, etc. But not until recently had I ever invested in an actual gym membership and I soon learned that would open up a whole different world to me.

I prefer to exercise alone. I don’t wish to be gawked at, or have anyone keep count of my work out and that is exactly what I was promised as I signed on the dotted line. So naturally it was a shock when I began getting phone messages from a trainer to please call him for my “assessment.”  I ignored the messages assuming it must be a mistake.

I was very excited to try the one thing that had sealed the deal for me and that was the movie room – a medium sized room with elliptical machines and treadmills and a wall sized screen.  One movie per day runs repeatedly until closing. I love movies far more than exercising so the combination was designed to be fool proof…or so I thought.

I jumped on one of the elliptical machines as the movie was starting. I was happy that it was a film I had not seen and looked interesting. I puffed away with enthusiasm. There were only a few of us thoroughly engrossed when in walked two ladies heading for the treadmills. I turned and watched as they talked loudly to each other. My fellow movie watchers didn’t seem to notice. I felt certain that the talkers would realize there are other people around and either lower their voices or bring the conversation to an end. I was wrong.

Miss Null and Miss Void continued their chatter as I turned around repeatedly and glared trying not to topple off my machine. I was getting no support from the rest of the group and that baffled me. By now I had missed valuable dialog, and no doubt some cool action shots. I was beginning to seethe.  I looked at the heart monitor on my machine and it was soaring. How could anyone be so rude? It was maddening! I knew I had to do something quick as I watched the monitor continue to climb and their annoying voices echoed across the room. But before I could think it through I felt my lips move, my teeth clinch and a loud harsh shushing sound came out of my mouth. Yes, that’s right, I shushed them…in the movie room…in a GYM.

The entire room looked at me. Stunned by my own behavior, I mumbled something lame and pointed to the screen. The room fell silent for about a second as everyone resumed watching the film and the two who had provoked my ridiculous behavior abruptly left. I had achieved victory, but it felt so wrong I left too.

As I exited the movie room I spotted the trainer who had been leaving me the messages.  I quickly ducked behind a large sweaty weightlifter and reached for a hand weight in front of me. The only one available of course was the heaviest. I pulled as hard as I could while keeping one eye on the trainer. After several failed tries and a beet red face, the wall of muscle blocking my embarrassing display decided to move on to another machine. The trainer had just finished with his latest victim and glanced in my direction.

I juked to the right and dashed into the ladies room where I sat and waited until I convinced myself he had gone on break. Peaking out and seeing nothing but a sea of muscles I raced to the exit. I had one hand on the door handle when I heard, “There you are!” Caught like a rat, I turned and smiled. He launched into his well rehearsed shpiel, and I asked him what exactly an assessment entails. He replied, “Well, I measure you and assess your fat level.”  I came so close to saying, “You had me at fat.” Then he walked me over to a large steel bathtub out in the open floor filled with water. He pointed to it and said, “We lower you in and see what your fat content is compared to the water level.” For a second I thought I was in a Monty Python scene and half expected the other members to start chanting “Is she a witch?  Does she float?”  After my incident in the movie room I wasn’t taking any chances so I smiled, politely declined and began working my way to the exit.  I glanced back as I approached the door and noticed one of the gals I had shushed being lowered into the tub.

Just as I suspected…she floated.

  1. Your story had me in stitches! So good I emailed it to my sister, who I know will enjoy it too!

  2. Judy White says:

    Ha…loved it again, Kathy! I have a gym membership – of course to get ANY benefit out of it…I must actually go to the gym and use it. Another HA! Why do only skinny people go to the gym? What do they need to go for. And all that “cute” gymwear….i’ve never seen it in 1x, 2x, 3x, 4x or 5x. Nooooo…never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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